Ah Liz. Thank you for sharing this tender part of your story. It’s restorative to me. I resonate with so much you shared.
I’ve been the one who hasn’t wanted to return since my own experience in an Acts 29 debacle. Just recently something opening up inside me that said, “I want to go to church.” It is the most unfamiliar and familiar feeling all at once since most of this last decade I’ve had a very tenuous relationship with the building and organization but deeply believing I’m a part of the body + connecting communally in other ways. My partner is the one who suffered more hurt but has been surprisingly quicker to re-enter. I just have not been ready to jump back in after holding so much of his hurt and others’ hurts that became my own in ways (some rightful carrying and some codependence myself 🙋🏻♀️). 18 months ago my doctor asked about traumas and I mentioned church + how it had affected my partner, dearest friends, me. He looked at me with the most gentle eyes + after a minute said, “About the church stuff - there’s no timeline for that. Keep doing what you’re doing and trust.” With minimal details, he pastored me in ways I hadn’t been pastored in years in my adult life. So I let myself actually rest on Sundays until I was ready. And ever so unexpectedly in the last month or two some little green leaves have been showing up on my wintering branches. I still don’t know how to re-enter much more than take the pew, but my eyes are open and palms are up, taking his advice to trust. So much love to you as you are bravely doing the same. ❤️
Untangling your spirituality from your husband's -- wow. Yes. You nailed it. And not in a way that diminishes how beautiful it is when a couple's spirituality does grow together at the same pace/in the same ways.
"So, what I’m experiencing is a sort of delayed spiritual adolescence. I get to experiment without repercussions to my relationships." - YES! Just last year, I realized I was experiencing the very adolescent experience of true individuation, for the first time, at 41 years old. Whew!
We too have been in church purgatory this past year.
After working for a church for years, I spent all of 2018 in full church purgatory. Truth be told, I spent 2019 & the beginning of 2020 in partial church purgatory (even though I was working for another campus of the previous church). Since July of 2020, I’ve been back in full church purgatory. I’ve visited. I’ve tried. I just can’t find a place that I can call home.
Ah Liz. Thank you for sharing this tender part of your story. It’s restorative to me. I resonate with so much you shared.
I’ve been the one who hasn’t wanted to return since my own experience in an Acts 29 debacle. Just recently something opening up inside me that said, “I want to go to church.” It is the most unfamiliar and familiar feeling all at once since most of this last decade I’ve had a very tenuous relationship with the building and organization but deeply believing I’m a part of the body + connecting communally in other ways. My partner is the one who suffered more hurt but has been surprisingly quicker to re-enter. I just have not been ready to jump back in after holding so much of his hurt and others’ hurts that became my own in ways (some rightful carrying and some codependence myself 🙋🏻♀️). 18 months ago my doctor asked about traumas and I mentioned church + how it had affected my partner, dearest friends, me. He looked at me with the most gentle eyes + after a minute said, “About the church stuff - there’s no timeline for that. Keep doing what you’re doing and trust.” With minimal details, he pastored me in ways I hadn’t been pastored in years in my adult life. So I let myself actually rest on Sundays until I was ready. And ever so unexpectedly in the last month or two some little green leaves have been showing up on my wintering branches. I still don’t know how to re-enter much more than take the pew, but my eyes are open and palms are up, taking his advice to trust. So much love to you as you are bravely doing the same. ❤️
Untangling your spirituality from your husband's -- wow. Yes. You nailed it. And not in a way that diminishes how beautiful it is when a couple's spirituality does grow together at the same pace/in the same ways.
"So, what I’m experiencing is a sort of delayed spiritual adolescence. I get to experiment without repercussions to my relationships." - YES! Just last year, I realized I was experiencing the very adolescent experience of true individuation, for the first time, at 41 years old. Whew!
We too have been in church purgatory this past year.
FEELING THIS.
After working for a church for years, I spent all of 2018 in full church purgatory. Truth be told, I spent 2019 & the beginning of 2020 in partial church purgatory (even though I was working for another campus of the previous church). Since July of 2020, I’ve been back in full church purgatory. I’ve visited. I’ve tried. I just can’t find a place that I can call home.
I so appreciate your perseverance and undercurrent of belief in the church, despite all the complexities. Thanks for your transparency here, Liz.