I appreciate this! It’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot — ever since I deleted my IG. The very hardest part was losing the closest thing I had to a “baby book”. I had already taken my private account down to a very small group of family and friends but it still felt sad (I was able to download the captions and such, but they sure make it hard to delete their aesthetically pleasing, so easy to our together format!) I have a small list (culled heavily) of friends on FB and sometimes share a few things there, but more for family updates — for example we just moved, so I’ve posted more in the last week than the last year. But my writing feels even trickier sometimes. I try to think about if I’m telling my story or theirs all the time, and try to never write anything they’d be embarrassed by later. I’ve started asking my eldest (he’s 9) if he’s ok with me sharing a story or drawing and he’ll tell me “no”. One of the things I think about the most often is how difficult it is already to break out of a role that your family has assigned, and how this must be magnified by a digital trail. I really got uncomfortable consuming all the influencer content too — it’s so easy to feel like you know people in a way that’s actually quite artificial. For now I’ve decided that no faces, names or identifying information beyond age (sometimes) is a good line for my public work. So I’ll post pics with their backs, or taken from a long distance. Trying to thread the line between personal and respectful is so tricky. And I’ve also asked several friends to tell me if I ever start crossing the line and they think it’s getting voyeuristic.
I appreciate hearing your thoughts! The question about memoir feels unresolved for me, too. I do think the trick of “breaking out of the family role” is complex, and I agree, probably more complex when your parent has amassed a written trail. (How did Anne Lamott reconcile it?) And my kids also love when I’m proud of them/brag on them. My 11-y-o still loves it! Which makes it confusing (is your consent now reliable?). Anyway, I get it, and I’m walking the same path. 🫶🏻
Oh, I love these thoughts. I do think female authority intersects with social media in strange ways—and sharing our kids in ways that make us look like great moms can bolster that authority in Christian spaces. You’re right that moms do this more than dads.
And, as a memoirist, I def agree that kids and parents share a story.
Parsing these ideas of privacy vs. interdependence vs. autonomy is really this tough. I do not know if there‘s a simple resolution. My conclusion is basically, if there is a clear answer that emerges, I pick my kids every time. 🤷🏻♀️ But there’s no guarantee that a binary choice arrives for me or that I have the chance to foresee consequences. In all likelihood, I continue on, muddled. Sigh.
But I think the point is, let’s keep asking ourselves why we’re doing what our doing and, in humility, be willing to change our minds/actions.
Liz, I have so many conflicting feelings about this. On one hand, the AI stuff in particular and generally erring on the side of caution has me keeping photos off the internet for the most part. There's so much about social media we are still working through and there are definitely posts of mine I think are totally normal that could be studied in 50 years as truly bizarre artifacts of media history. I'm mostly in agreement with your essay and thankful for the research and thought you put into it!
On the other hand, I have always found it bizarre for any of us to claim "ownership" of "our" individual story. Parents and kids share a story, and I think most people are pretty sensitive to the increasing divergence of identities and narratives at least by the time kids are tweens. Blogging has changed conversations around parenting so much - I'm not sure we Millennials can really appreciate what it was like for parents to feel so isolated and not have these ways to connect, tell stories, or work through things.
Some things feel to me like common sense (ask your 9 year old if they want to share about their period??!!) but others feel a little extreme. I grew up hearing so much about my male pastor's kids and male Christian authors' kids. Is this just another way we're making up to criticize (90% of the time) moms?
Such an important conversation. I have had an older friend (he's 70 now) tell me I share too much about myself online and then once too much about my kids when I talked about their neurodivergence on a private post. But overall I'm pretty careful especially when I think about how I know so much about some of my friends' kids.
Things really got interesting with our viral video this winter. People on TT and IG were MEAN. My husband and I spent hours blocking people until I eventually gave up after a few weeks. My kids have been told for years that if they are ever on social media they should not read the comments and they rolled their eyes when I said the comment section was bad. But that's not even what you are talking about. Social media has had a harmful effect on teens mental health and probably adults' too. I think we all could use some time to reflect on this more. And yeah, I think one kid would be embarrassed over a crying picture. But the other could see the humor in it.
I feel that this topic is SO underexplored, so I love hearing your thoughts, my friend! I’d also really like to hear about that viral post sometime— it’s so wild and overwhelming when that happens. Let’s chat soon! 🫶🏻
I appreciate this! It’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot — ever since I deleted my IG. The very hardest part was losing the closest thing I had to a “baby book”. I had already taken my private account down to a very small group of family and friends but it still felt sad (I was able to download the captions and such, but they sure make it hard to delete their aesthetically pleasing, so easy to our together format!) I have a small list (culled heavily) of friends on FB and sometimes share a few things there, but more for family updates — for example we just moved, so I’ve posted more in the last week than the last year. But my writing feels even trickier sometimes. I try to think about if I’m telling my story or theirs all the time, and try to never write anything they’d be embarrassed by later. I’ve started asking my eldest (he’s 9) if he’s ok with me sharing a story or drawing and he’ll tell me “no”. One of the things I think about the most often is how difficult it is already to break out of a role that your family has assigned, and how this must be magnified by a digital trail. I really got uncomfortable consuming all the influencer content too — it’s so easy to feel like you know people in a way that’s actually quite artificial. For now I’ve decided that no faces, names or identifying information beyond age (sometimes) is a good line for my public work. So I’ll post pics with their backs, or taken from a long distance. Trying to thread the line between personal and respectful is so tricky. And I’ve also asked several friends to tell me if I ever start crossing the line and they think it’s getting voyeuristic.
I appreciate hearing your thoughts! The question about memoir feels unresolved for me, too. I do think the trick of “breaking out of the family role” is complex, and I agree, probably more complex when your parent has amassed a written trail. (How did Anne Lamott reconcile it?) And my kids also love when I’m proud of them/brag on them. My 11-y-o still loves it! Which makes it confusing (is your consent now reliable?). Anyway, I get it, and I’m walking the same path. 🫶🏻
Oh, I love these thoughts. I do think female authority intersects with social media in strange ways—and sharing our kids in ways that make us look like great moms can bolster that authority in Christian spaces. You’re right that moms do this more than dads.
And, as a memoirist, I def agree that kids and parents share a story.
Parsing these ideas of privacy vs. interdependence vs. autonomy is really this tough. I do not know if there‘s a simple resolution. My conclusion is basically, if there is a clear answer that emerges, I pick my kids every time. 🤷🏻♀️ But there’s no guarantee that a binary choice arrives for me or that I have the chance to foresee consequences. In all likelihood, I continue on, muddled. Sigh.
But I think the point is, let’s keep asking ourselves why we’re doing what our doing and, in humility, be willing to change our minds/actions.
Liz, I have so many conflicting feelings about this. On one hand, the AI stuff in particular and generally erring on the side of caution has me keeping photos off the internet for the most part. There's so much about social media we are still working through and there are definitely posts of mine I think are totally normal that could be studied in 50 years as truly bizarre artifacts of media history. I'm mostly in agreement with your essay and thankful for the research and thought you put into it!
On the other hand, I have always found it bizarre for any of us to claim "ownership" of "our" individual story. Parents and kids share a story, and I think most people are pretty sensitive to the increasing divergence of identities and narratives at least by the time kids are tweens. Blogging has changed conversations around parenting so much - I'm not sure we Millennials can really appreciate what it was like for parents to feel so isolated and not have these ways to connect, tell stories, or work through things.
Some things feel to me like common sense (ask your 9 year old if they want to share about their period??!!) but others feel a little extreme. I grew up hearing so much about my male pastor's kids and male Christian authors' kids. Is this just another way we're making up to criticize (90% of the time) moms?
Such an important conversation. I have had an older friend (he's 70 now) tell me I share too much about myself online and then once too much about my kids when I talked about their neurodivergence on a private post. But overall I'm pretty careful especially when I think about how I know so much about some of my friends' kids.
Things really got interesting with our viral video this winter. People on TT and IG were MEAN. My husband and I spent hours blocking people until I eventually gave up after a few weeks. My kids have been told for years that if they are ever on social media they should not read the comments and they rolled their eyes when I said the comment section was bad. But that's not even what you are talking about. Social media has had a harmful effect on teens mental health and probably adults' too. I think we all could use some time to reflect on this more. And yeah, I think one kid would be embarrassed over a crying picture. But the other could see the humor in it.
I feel that this topic is SO underexplored, so I love hearing your thoughts, my friend! I’d also really like to hear about that viral post sometime— it’s so wild and overwhelming when that happens. Let’s chat soon! 🫶🏻