This is such an excellent essay, Liz. It makes me think of one of my new favourite voices in parental estrangement (and abusive marriages), Kate Gray. She talks extensively about how the baseline for all adult relationships should be behaviour first, not understanding why the other person might have harmed us. Abusers always want us to sympathize with them first because we’re more likely to put up with their behaviour and allow them continued access, whereas when we start to say, “you’re not behaving well towards me” first, they lose access. Cue the evangelical church and creeps like Dobson essentially helping groom at least one generation of women to be prone to abuse. We need to expose this wherever we can if we’re going to dismantle the toxic patriarchy.
Absolutely, this!! I am someone stubbornly committed to empathizing with every damn person AND I want to call out exactly why theology like this is abuser theology. It isn’t “incidental” that Dobson’s work ended up being shared by Epstein with a woman he had either abused and/or was grooming. It was always a feature of the Dobson patriarchal theology. I know you get it. 😘
Just yesterday, I was in the neighborhood of the sprawling campus that is Focus on the Family. As I made my way to where I was going on the backside of the east side of all those huge red brick buildings, a black and very fancy Mercedes left the area at a high rate of speed, then swerved to miss hitting me. Thank goodness. I wondered who it was and why they had so much money as to afford such a car and why they thought they could drive like a maniac as they left that place so many think of as ‘holy ground’.
Then, and I have no idea why, I thought of the Epstein Files. Maybe it was because I had heard of a new dump of the files on the news. Then, I mused to myself about how I was almost certain that at some point it would come out there was some connection to Dobson and Epstein. I didn’t have to wait long. Within a few hours, I heard of this text exchange that mentioned Dobson in the files.
I am not surprised. I have lived, worked, and worshiped with so many over the years that were employed by this enterprise known as Focus on the Family. So often I heard these exact words as you included in this post about forgiving the abuser while dismissing the injustice of the abuse.
If Focus on the Family is anything, it is a money making enterprise where a few benefit from all the revenue it generates from those who think Dobson had all the right answers for the problems in their families and marriages. Sadly, all his words ever did was perpetuate those problems so they are carried into the next generation.
Great post. You write with great clarity and conviction based on what I see must be years of study and research. Thank you.
Offenders will use whatever leverage they can find to manipulate victims. That they use particular material is not in itself an indictment of the material. E.g. "Obey your parents." is generally a healthy concept but twisted by an offender it gives them an advantage. We would not then condemn the biblical authors because their writing had been misused. Epstein likely could have quoted any source and used it for his evil purposes.
Chris, you're not wrong... but do you see how this particular piece of advice was so toxic? It's the authoritarianism toward woman that treats our experiences as so much less valuable. And even if Dobson meant kindness, he played right into abusers' hands.
Thank you. Thank you for God our Mother. I’m unspeakably weary of church patriarchy and all the masculine images and names for God. I’m feeling alien in the moment. I deeply miss the community I once enjoyed. Right now I just can’t. I don’t know how long right now will be. Thank you for meeting me in the wilderness.
Thank you for this note ... the long, sordid, history of evangelicalism ... the damage it's done is inestimable ... no religious tradition is free of this ... but some traditions have dealt more openly with it ... with improvements being made all along the way, though more, much more, is needed. We're still a long way from understanding the victim ... and calling to account those who have exercised power for their own advantage. Without a doubt, Dobson's article plays well in Epstein's world.
Thank you so much for doing this work! I wish it were more surprising, but these are the days we live in.
These are DEFINITELY the days we live in.
Wasn’t it Focus on the Misogyny? I thought that was his theme. He’s part of the Cabal.
Haha, you're probably right there.
This is such an excellent essay, Liz. It makes me think of one of my new favourite voices in parental estrangement (and abusive marriages), Kate Gray. She talks extensively about how the baseline for all adult relationships should be behaviour first, not understanding why the other person might have harmed us. Abusers always want us to sympathize with them first because we’re more likely to put up with their behaviour and allow them continued access, whereas when we start to say, “you’re not behaving well towards me” first, they lose access. Cue the evangelical church and creeps like Dobson essentially helping groom at least one generation of women to be prone to abuse. We need to expose this wherever we can if we’re going to dismantle the toxic patriarchy.
Absolutely, this!! I am someone stubbornly committed to empathizing with every damn person AND I want to call out exactly why theology like this is abuser theology. It isn’t “incidental” that Dobson’s work ended up being shared by Epstein with a woman he had either abused and/or was grooming. It was always a feature of the Dobson patriarchal theology. I know you get it. 😘
Mother GOD bless you for this.
Thank you for writing this...it's so important.
Hugs!!
The part about "Evangelicals are famously bad at recognizing power dynamics." Seriously! Once seen, you can't unsee it.
Also, I am dying at that McSweeney's piece. Amazing. Chef's kiss. 😂
McSweeney's is saving my life RN.
Just yesterday, I was in the neighborhood of the sprawling campus that is Focus on the Family. As I made my way to where I was going on the backside of the east side of all those huge red brick buildings, a black and very fancy Mercedes left the area at a high rate of speed, then swerved to miss hitting me. Thank goodness. I wondered who it was and why they had so much money as to afford such a car and why they thought they could drive like a maniac as they left that place so many think of as ‘holy ground’.
Then, and I have no idea why, I thought of the Epstein Files. Maybe it was because I had heard of a new dump of the files on the news. Then, I mused to myself about how I was almost certain that at some point it would come out there was some connection to Dobson and Epstein. I didn’t have to wait long. Within a few hours, I heard of this text exchange that mentioned Dobson in the files.
I am not surprised. I have lived, worked, and worshiped with so many over the years that were employed by this enterprise known as Focus on the Family. So often I heard these exact words as you included in this post about forgiving the abuser while dismissing the injustice of the abuse.
If Focus on the Family is anything, it is a money making enterprise where a few benefit from all the revenue it generates from those who think Dobson had all the right answers for the problems in their families and marriages. Sadly, all his words ever did was perpetuate those problems so they are carried into the next generation.
Great post. You write with great clarity and conviction based on what I see must be years of study and research. Thank you.
Sally, I didn't realize you were in the Springs! Sorry I missed that. But sheesh, sounds like you and I were on the same wave length.
Yep. I’m here. I’m a native born and raised in COS.
Gosh, then you REALLY get it. You saw the before and after of Focus on the Family. I wish it had become the Santa Fe of the Mountain West!!
Offenders will use whatever leverage they can find to manipulate victims. That they use particular material is not in itself an indictment of the material. E.g. "Obey your parents." is generally a healthy concept but twisted by an offender it gives them an advantage. We would not then condemn the biblical authors because their writing had been misused. Epstein likely could have quoted any source and used it for his evil purposes.
Chris, you're not wrong... but do you see how this particular piece of advice was so toxic? It's the authoritarianism toward woman that treats our experiences as so much less valuable. And even if Dobson meant kindness, he played right into abusers' hands.
Thank you. Thank you for God our Mother. I’m unspeakably weary of church patriarchy and all the masculine images and names for God. I’m feeling alien in the moment. I deeply miss the community I once enjoyed. Right now I just can’t. I don’t know how long right now will be. Thank you for meeting me in the wilderness.
Ruth, I am right here with you! Soooooo many folks are here, too. God our Mother is on the rise in our consciousness! :)
Ruth, I absolutely understand. Really, really. God Our Mother is with us.
Thank you for this note ... the long, sordid, history of evangelicalism ... the damage it's done is inestimable ... no religious tradition is free of this ... but some traditions have dealt more openly with it ... with improvements being made all along the way, though more, much more, is needed. We're still a long way from understanding the victim ... and calling to account those who have exercised power for their own advantage. Without a doubt, Dobson's article plays well in Epstein's world.
Thank you for your words, Tom.